You guys, today was bad.
I've cried in the office before, but not for a while, and never with anyone watching. But today, after weeks of being up late working and up early working, after a morning of attempting to stay home with two sick kids while the phone rang every two minutes, after calling JW in a panic and going in to work the moment he got home, I got this email. It was totally nonsensical. It was from a client who sets ridiculous deadlines and then raises issues at the last minute and wants to go through them in excruciating detail even though they don't matter. And when a partner came in and said, "What is this," and I started explaining what had happened, he paused and said, "Are you okay? You seem upset."
If only he hadn't said, "Are you okay," I would have maintained my delicate emotional balance.
But I didn't. And then I had to explain that I wasn't freaking out because of the email, but that it was the last straw.
He gave me a lecture on pushing back. He told me to go home, which of course I couldn't do because I had three other things that I had promised would be done by the end of the day. (And I DID push back on those things... last week, when clients asked for them "ASAP.") And at least the upside was that he took over this particular project, which I REALLY needed a break from. It was almost done and I am happy to have him push it over the finish line so I never have to deal with these people again.
But yeah. I spent half the day crying in my office while trying to write contracts. This other partner walked into my office to give me a twenty minute sales pitch about working with a new client, and the whole time I was focusing on breathing deeply and staying calm. And it's almost midnight and I am, just like every night, in front of my laptop -- I just sent out some documents and I'm preparing to work on one last agreement before I can go to bed.
I'm trying to set boundaries. I really am. But nobody else seems to have any. I can't tell you the number of times in the last few weeks that someone said, "How soon can you do this," and I said, "I'm tied up for the next few days, but I'll get it to you by the end of next week," and they negotiate me down by a few days, and then I stay up half the night doing it anyway, even though I had a week, because so many things came up in between. All that stuff that's on my list? I don't start on it until 5 p.m., when the phone stops ringing so much.
In case you're wondering, I haven't gone part time yet, although I have taken some steps toward it. I'm sort of using the next few weeks as a trial period, because part time will not work unless I can effectively manage my schedule. I am so not there yet.
I'm so sorry. Truly. I think you're doing all a midlevel/senior associate at a large law firm can do to set boundaries, short of making them hire another midlevel associate who happens to do the same thing you do (which of course you can't do), it's just the nature of the legal practice, billable rates, and client expectations. Not that it shouldn't be better or that there isn't hope, just that I don't think you're to blame for your bad day today or the lead up to it. I hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI always like reading your responses to these posts because you've been exactly there, and now have some perspective on it all. Thanks.
DeleteSo sorry! I hate crying in the office. I've done it before. And yes, I agree that when they start to ask you "what's wrong" or "are you ok" then that's the hardest to hold back the tears because it forces you to think about the things you are trying not to feel.
ReplyDeleteHope things get better!
I know! I really wish nobody would ever ask that. I read this Ask a Manager column about that, where the person talked about how their boss saw them starting to tear up and made an excuse to leave the room for a minute. I thought that was great.
DeleteIf you hit your breaking point and need to escape, let's go to Mexico and sit on a beach for a few days. I am being completely serious.
ReplyDelete(But for now, a hug for you! Hang in there!)
If it weren't for the kiddos, I would! We both could use a break!
DeleteThere's no shame in crying. I'm an angry crier. As I am not permitted to kick anyone in the throat (something about ethics, whatever, pfff), crying is the only acceptable outlet.
ReplyDeleteI think there comes a point that you have to say, yeah, you know, I said last week it'd be done by Wednesday, but it just isn't going to happen. I'll get it done as soon as I can. If that isn't good enough, then someone else will have to do it. Letting go is the hard part.
Yes, you're right. Letting go is the hard part. I've been realizing that if I want some sanity in my life, I have to really start sticking to my no, even if the person is really pushing me. I work at a firm with lots of other talented and capable lawyers. In the past few weeks I've finally started saying to clients, I can get that to you in a week, and if you need it sooner I will find someone else to help you.
DeleteUgh, I'm so sorry. Is there some artificial way you can say no more easily? Eg that you only work for Partner X so when partner y asks, you say no; or that you are focusing your practice on med device deals (or whatever) so you can't do any work on deals outside of that? And what if you did what proto says - email at 7pm - that you aren't feeling well (true) and won't finish today so if the partner needs it today it has to be someone else? Who else is on your team? Would he or she want the hours?
ReplyDeleteSince I'm a corporate lawyer, and tend to work on relatively small deals, I get most of my work directly from clients and there isn't really a team. Interestingly, I was talking to someone in litigation about work-life issues, and she said the obvious solution is to have a team instead of just one associate who works with the client. It does sound obvious, but it hadn't really occur to me because it's kind of the opposite of the way we do things.
DeleteOof. That sounds terrible. I'm sorry to hear it.
ReplyDeleteThanks... I appreciate all of these comments! It's like a virtual support group.
DeleteRiffing on Proto Attorney - what would happen? If you didn't get it in? Would the client walk? Would you get fired? How many "I'm sorry, this isn't done"s would it take before one of those happened?
ReplyDeleteI think your point is that if it isn't done today, you just have to do it tomorrow, which is already full-to-midnight of stuff to do, and I feel that. I have no advice, or ideas. Just support. (And I feel the crying as well. My secretary made me cry the other day, by just gently asking me if everything was ok.)
Yeah, I sense you're going through your own stage of dealing with similar issues right now. I cannot bring myself to do "I'm sorry, this isn't done" unless it's an absolute necessity. But now I'm thinking that I should take the plunge and go part time immediately so that as Alice says below, I have a reason for limiting what I take on.
DeleteI'm so sorry, CM. The only thing that helped me -- and I only had one crazy boss demanding things -- was to tell the assistants to hold my calls and turn off email so that I was only answering calls and email for an hour or two a day (in the afternoon, after lunch, which was not good drafting time, anyway).
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
Thanks. Maybe I'll try that, at least for shorter periods of time. I also just physically leave my office sometimes when I need to get something done. I'll go sit in an empty conference room, which has the added benefit of getting me away from the Internet.
DeleteSo sorry to hear about how hard it's been! I totally know that feeling of complete and utter exhaustion--day, after day, after week, after week--it really gets to you and frays the nerves like nothing else. I actually think it's easier to 'push-back' when you're part-time because you can always point to your special status as the reason why you have to set up reasonable boundaries. When I was full-time I felt like the firm culture expected me to work my ass off 20 hours a day because--that's what full-time associates do. But being part-time gives me the cred to say--you know what? I'm not going to work 20 hours a day, I'm just going to work 12 or 15. Sure it's still far less than ideal, but it gives you permission to work a less insane load (in the eyes of everyone else). It's so much easier to tell a partner that I can't do BOTH agreements in the transaction since I'm just part-time. Hope you find a way out of this dark tunnel soon!
ReplyDeleteBut being part-time gives me the cred to say--you know what? I'm not going to work 20 hours a day, I'm just going to work 12 or 15.
DeleteThis is crazy!
Wow. Hearing that just brings home exactly how crazy all of this is.
I think you're right about part-time making it easier to push back, though.
Just reading this is painful. I can't imagine living it.
ReplyDeleteWith the amount of stress and distress that you're carrying right now, it is ok to cry. It makes sense to me to cry. I would be crying. Meet yourself where you're at -- and where you're at is so, so hard.
People like us (over-achieving big law associates who are compliant and tolerate a lot of pain) can miss the signs of "this is too much." As an outsider looking in, this is too much.
You'll get through this because you get through everything. Stay strong. Be kind to yourself.
This comment brought tears to my eyes, but in a good way. Thank you. I did smile at "compliant and can tolerate a lot of pain," though. Yup, that's accurate. Unfortunate, but accurate.
DeleteOh! I just saw this. This is going to work out. You are right at the period just before around the bend. Something perfect for you is just on the horizon. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Oddly enough, the next day I was already feeling better just knowing that this horrendous deal is off my plate. (And it looks like it is actually closing today!) This deal made me grateful that nearly all of the people I work on a daily basis with are smart, efficient, reasonable, and cooperative. I think now that it's over, I will be able to take more control over my schedule... and I've said that many times before, but I am actively trying to do it now. (I also had an in-house interview that seems like it really is for a 9-5 job, but I found myself sort of hoping I wouldn't get it because a big part of me does not want to leave the firm... I don't know, Stockholm Syndrome?)
DeleteMy first thought when I read this post was that it sounds like the situation has gotten toxic. You don't strike me as someone who would cry in her office for half a day, and yet it seems like that is maybe the only thing you CAN do under the circumstances. The longer you stay in the situation that you are starting to recognize is not working, the more likely it is that all of the bad parts of the job will get to you, not just the REALLY terrible parts that come at bad times. Of course, you may have 6 months or more before you get the same kind of clusterfuck of deals that makes your life miserable and for those 6 months, the job will seem do-able again. But it seems like that clusterfuck starts to become the rule rather than the exception as you become a mid-level and senior associate.
ReplyDeleteMy vote (which is tainted by my own terrible outlook on this job and what it means for your life) is to get out while you can leave on good terms and before you have an actual mental breakdown. I know that's not the most supportive comment, but I'm putting it out there anyway.
And I hope you at least can take a few days off soon when you catch a little break to relax and sleep and hang out with your family. You deserve it!
Your job is similar to mine, so I know you feel my pain!
DeleteAs a middle/senior associate, reading these type of posts is exactly why I am on the fence about having children. I know blah blah you shouldn't let your job dictate your life choices but at base I don't want my life to be this painful. With no children, it's hard enough maintaining a balance in this job where you feel like you have enough time to rest and relax so you can experience joy in life. The thought of being exhausted for nine month as I gestate a child working these hours, then coming back to work when my child still has an erratic sleep schedule, and then caring for the child in all available free time makes me want to have a mental breakdown from exhaustion just thinking about it. I cannot shoulder this type of schedule in a culture where it is seen as "that's just the way life is, a series of body/soul crushing responsibilities you should shoulder without complaint."
ReplyDeleteHi Anon,
DeletePlease forgive me for saying this. I definitely do not think that everybody ought to have kids or they'll regret it, and you did acknowledge that "I know blah blah you shouldn't let your job dictate your life choices"... but there are lots of jobs out there, and you don't get to re-live your life. It's so easy to get caught up in this biglaw bubble and feel like this is the way things are. But you could quit tomorrow. I hope you make your decision about whether to have children without worrying about how it fits into your work schedule.
Have been reading for a while, but first-time commenter (found you through LL). Mid-level litigator here in CA, in an extremely busy small office of a large firm. Can I just first say that you're amazing for doing all you do with two young kids!! I give so many props to all the working biglaw mamas out there. I'm single (well, recently engaged), and am able to give work pretty much all my attention without also needing to devote time/energy to other major responsibilities in "real life," and I STILL feel overwhelmed a lot of the time (crying, wanting to cry, etc.). I'm glad to read that you're exploring PT as a possible option, and/or other job opps. Sadly no one in my office is on PT right now, though I have several female colleagues either coming back from maternity leave early next year or who just came back. It's going to be interesting to see how they navigate it. The last couple women who had babies left within the first year their kids were born. :( I actually enjoy litigating but this job is just so demanding and stressful. And I so agree with everyone above that the nature of biglaw is to take and take and take until you have nothing more to give. It's just so hard to say no!! I always feel like I'm disappointing people when I do or try to push back. I'm getting better at it but it's a work in progress.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you phrased it... Biglaw is like the Giving Tree, except we're the tree. Yes, pushing back is hard, and I think the only reason I'm putting a lot of effort into it now and not worrying about how it affects my reputation is that setting strict boundaries is the only way I can see myself continuing in this job. Good luck as you navigate this too!
Deletei know it's different in every office, but as a jr big law corporate associate who struggled in CA to get midlevels to let go of some responsibility so that i could grow and learn, i think it could be a win-win if the clients you service directly would allow you to team up with a junior to help them meet their round-the-clock needs while you're part-time. again, totally get that every office and client is different and comes with its own preferences, but if you have a competent junior it might really help once you get over the hassle of onboarding him/her.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I should make more of an effort to do this.
DeleteI somehow missed this post.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I can only offer virtual hugs and hope you have better days ahead
Thanks! Working on it...
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