Writing this series, and reading all of your comments, has been illuminating. It's been like therapy for me. At first I thought of it as "here are my thoughts about this issue that affects all of us," and it was disconcerting that many of you responded with, "I'm so sorry," and "You poor thing." Like, hold on, we are talking about IDEAS here. Nobody mentioned FEELINGS. I didn't mean for this to be a cry for help. OK, maybe this situation is not what I want it to be, and I wouldn't say I'm happy about it, but... unhappy? Let's not be hasty and say things we'll regret later.
Reading my previous posts in this series again, I'm struck by how repetitive they are. These thoughts just swirl around and around my head endlessly. That is not healthy.
All of which forces me to acknowledge that yes, this is a problem, and I need to deal with it because I have just about reached the end of my rope.
I decided that I will try part-time, AND I will have to really assert myself and set boundaries. It's hard to say no, but at this point, if it doesn't work my next step is out the door. So my priority needs to be making this job sustainable, not bolstering my reputation.
I talked about this with JW, who was offended that I had said he wasn't on board with the idea. To be fair, the first two times I brought this up, his reaction was "Don't do anything rash," because he was concerned about his own job stability. But this time he said the magic words: "I want you to be happy and healthy, and that's more important than money." And then he said -- because it was 11:30 p.m. and, like every night that week, I needed to stay up later to finish my work -- "But is it going to help you with this?"
It won't. In fact, Friday I talked to someone at the firm about going part-time, and figured out the next steps and made a concrete plan. And what am I doing now, Saturday night at midnight? One guess. (OK, given that I'm actually taking a break and blogging right at this moment, I'll accept either "work" or "procrastinating.") The person I talked to warned me that I would be blazing my own trail here, and that it would be an ongoing process to figure out how to reconcile a part-time schedule with the demands of my practice.
We'll see.
I wrote my first draft of my part-time proposal during the week between my job interview at the SEC and when I found out I'd gotten it. I felt pretty happy with my work-life balance until suddenly... I didn't, and then I couldn't do much of anything happily or productively until I had a plan to change it. For me, part-time wasn't a permanent solution, but I figured that if I wasn't happy professionally or personally, I should at least do something to up the personal side while I figured out what I was doing professionally (unlike you, I did not have good work in my section for the 12 months preceding my departure; it really is too bad I didn't want to be an IP attorney).
ReplyDeleteIt seemed that part-time was a little harder in corporate than in litigation, but that doesn't mean it can't be done, particularly for a couple years while you figure out what the next step is- which of course, could well be staying at the firm and becoming the first part-time person made partner in your section and rocking it all. What I'm saying, in a roundabout 11 p.m. on Saturday way, is that I'm glad for you and I hope it works out. And even if it doesn't work out perfectly or forever, I really do think taking the first step is a big move towards the ultimate right direction.
It's great you have a plan and have put steps in motion toward making a change! Hope it works out very well!
ReplyDeleteI am also happy for you and very very hopeful that it works out. I like what LL said -- it won't be perfect everyday, and it won't be forever, but if it helps you rebalance for the time being, I think the fight and the pushback is gonna be worth it.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to this time, next year, a post entitled "how I made part time corporate life work, and you can too!"
I had kind of an "oh poor you" reaction and commented to that effect, but I'm pretty sure it was because I was envisioning myself in your shoes and thinking that I would be absolutely miserable. You are seriously an inspiration and I only hope that I will have your fortitude if I have that much responsibility when I have kids.
ReplyDeleteDon't! Have fortitude about something more worthwhile. :)
DeleteA small plug for therapy. Like you, I'm in big law and exhausted and overworked, yet left with feelings of "I should be able to handle this."
ReplyDeleteMy big law salary is now paying for therapy through which I hope to understand the "should" voice always running in the background of everything I do. I know that this quality is, in part, what made me successful, so there are benefits to being like this. But in this environment, it is bordering on self-destructive.
Taking an hour a week to check-in with myself (compared to the 50-60 hours/week I check-in with partners and clients) has been amazingly therapeutic. This seems so clear now, even though it took 6+ months to convince myself I could spare an hour per week.
I'm glad to hear that you've decided to go part-time!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I appreciate the support, and maybe I'll check out our EAP program, which I have considered in the past.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I'm pessimistic that part-time will work. Last night I went to bed at 3:30 a.m. because I was up revising an "emergency" contract. I had a call about it at 9 p.m. tonight and now I have to keep working on it. I've been warned that tomorrow will be another late night. I just don't know how long I can realistically stay in an environment where this is acceptable. I've heard from a few corporate associates (at other firms) that the only way they made part-time work is by having a partner or partners who insulated and protected them. I don't have anybody like that.
I went part time after 5 years in Big Law (and almost a year of unemployment), with no regrets. I took several steps down in prestige and income, but I already knew that I didn't want my legal career to be the center of my life--just one of the multiple shifting pieces. It's still frequently a struggle to set boundaries (both in my mind and as stated to my bosses, co-workers, and clients), but going from 5-7 days a week at a large law firm to 4 days a week at a small one has been a godsend. I don't know if I could go ever go back to full time.
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear a part-time success story.
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