You have indeed been unhappy for a while it seems. Are you a person who has "status quo bias"? how have you made other big decisions in life? is the pay cut such a big deal given you will have another class year bump coming up?
Unhappy? I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I like my work, I love my family, we live in a friendly neighborhood, we have financial security, everything is pretty great except for this one problem. But it wasn't until I recently went back and looked through my blog archives that I realized how long I've been feeling this way.
Do I have "status quo bias"? Let's see. According to Wikipedia, status quo bias is "an irrational preference for the current state of affairs." It includes elements of "loss aversion, existence bias [if it exists, it must be good], endowment effect [you value something more if you already have it], longevity [maybe the longer a situation goes on, the harder it is to change?], mere exposure [frequent exposure = good], and regret avoidance."
Yeah, I have that. I need to be convinced that I'm unhappy before I can believe that another situation is likely to be better.
How have I made other big decisions in life? I think about them very carefully, over a long time, and then I make a plan and act on it.
Is the pay cut [if I go part time] a big deal? Not to me... if part time is real.
As I see it, there are three alternatives:
1) Try to rearrange my work schedule to fit in my other priorities.
Maybe If I worked really hard at managing my time, accepting that some days or weeks are going to be terrible and then taking advantage of the other days or weeks to be out of the office and spend more time with my family, it could work out... but I don't think I have the discipline or control over my schedule to do this on a regular basis, and my kids are too young to take a long view and say, "Well, we haven't seen Mom all week, but she'll be around next week."
So, while at times I still think that I could make it work if I just tried hard enough, I'm starting to believe that this is impossible. The numbers of hours just don't add up.
2) Work part-time to have more hours for non-work priorities.
I'm willing to try this. I think it's probably the next step I will take, if I can get JW on board. But, like many commenters, I'm skeptical. I think it will be just as hard to draw boundaries as it is now, and I'll end up basically having the same schedule for less money and more hassle (because I'll be constantly explaining about my schedule and pushing back). The possibility of a true-up if I hit the full-time billable minimum is nice, but it's not the point. To me that just means the part-time scheme failed.
3) Leave and get a new job with less demanding hours expectations.
Here's where my status quo bias kicks in and I question whether a new job will be any better, unless it has significantly less responsibility. In addition to the other aspects of my current job that I like, I have a pretty easy commute and a lot of flexibility when I'm not crazy busy. Like, yesterday I had an 8 p.m. conference call, so I left at 3:30, picked up the kids, and then sat back down at my laptop at 7:45. I didn't have to clear it with anyone because I don't have a boss. I just let the people I'm working with know I wouldn't be available during that time. How can I find a job that will give me that kind of flexibility?
Of course, I imagine doing that kind of a thing a lot more often that I actually DO it, because something always seems to come up. But I do take regular advantage of the flexibility by coming in late after dropping off the kids, leaving early for pickup when JW is traveling, and running the occasional weekday errand. Which makes me go back to considering #1.
I guess there are actually two more alternatives: (0) do nothing, or (4) leave and be a SAHM. (0) is what I'm doing now and I think something needs to change. (4) we can't really afford, JW would hate it, and up until about two weeks ago, I had never in my life had the slightest desire to be a SAHM. But then I started to envy the other moms at kindergarten dropoff, who would let their younger kids run off to the playground while I left mine at daycare. And I would really love to be there when K gets out of school in the afternoon. Still, I think I'm romanticizing being with the kids more. In reality, sometimes our time together is golden and perfect and filled with love and laughter, and sometimes I long for my quiet office where I can focus on something I think is interesting without anyone whining about snacks or wiping something sticky on me.
In a way considering any alternative under than "do nothing" feels like failure. Not because I couldn't hack it, but because I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough.
I definitely don't have any answers. Working in public interest law means that I don't have billables, but I certainly have a significant pay cut compared to my peers. I also work at least 60 hours a week on the regular and call it good.
ReplyDeleteThis though: "Not because I couldn't hack it, but because I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough."
Isn't that just the thing? We're all feeling the same pinch, convinced that if only we worked harder or were more inventive we'd be able to balance the demands on us. But if we're all feeling it, all searching for ever more ways to get creative, that goes to the heart of a systemic problem.
And that's where I really have no answers. Other than, when we are in positions of power, making new opportunities for the women who come after us.
Option 5. Lateral to a new firm, taking option 1 with you. Set new expectations from the start.
ReplyDeleteOf course this is probably not a long term solution and requires a very specific opportunity, with very specific partners to work for. And just because it's working for me, right now, doesn't mean it always will. (right now I'm billing at about 125%, and it's killing me... but I've got a department head who walked by my office at 5:15 on Friday trying to shoo me out the door. Clearly this is somewhat - ok, mostly - personality-driven.)
This stuff is hard, no question. And if you find a job that is challenging, pays well, has flexibility, and doesn't require a ton of hours, please let me know?
I don't think the commenter was saying you were unhappy with your whole life, just with your work situation, which although "one thing," is one thing that takes most of your waking hours. Your response struck me as a little...jumpy :)
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it can be hard to read these posts because I really feel for you and it does seem like you're having to keep talking yourself into the current state of affairs being OK. My current job isn't the most exciting one I could have taken - but it's well-respected, in my field, and 40-45 hours a week, so I guess I compromised while I was still the pick-up parent, and I'm OK with that. Also I know I'll be somewhere else in a couple years. I hope you find what you're OK with soon!
Twice in this post you wrote that if only you tried harder, it would work out. What does trying harder look like? I ask because I don't see what else you can do. Is it less sleep? Doing your work faster (which would actually be a bad thing your billables)? Adding a 25th hour to the day? Denying that you want to spend time with your husband and kids?
ReplyDeleteI'm also in big law, and don't have any answers. It hard to hear that, on some level, you think that this not working out is your fault.
I think you're already trying really, really hard.
Just endorsing this comment. I see ppl in the corporate group at my firm going through this. Don't think that trying harder resolves the problem.
DeleteThis article may be of interest:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/09/23/why-women-should-stop-trying-to-be-perfect.html
"...I feel like I SHOULD be able to make this work if I just tried hard enough."
ReplyDeleteGirl, if I wrote that, it would probably be true. Because I'm a pretty lazy person, I'm totally ADHD, I seem to get nothing accomplished, and I slack off a lot. But you... I really doubt there's any way you could try any harder, at anything! And I think it's also the point here that someone like me would totally walk away and be like, "yeah, that's waaaay a lot of work, I don't want to do that, I'm gonna go take a nap instead!" But you're extremely hardworking, motivated and phenomenal at what you do. It shows in you having the degree from the law school you do. The incredibly difficult and complex job you excel at. You sure wouldn't have stuck it out as long as you have, and be as respected as you are among colleagues and clients, if you weren't working as hard as possible. Which is exactly your problem, because there just aren't enough hours in the day to work that damn hard and do things like take showers and cook dinners and go to PTA meetings. If you did your job crappy and blew things off and left work early every day, you'd have lots of free time! Ha!
Seriously, it really sounds like 0 isn't actually an option anymore. If it were me, I'd quit and take long naps instead. But if I were you instead of me, I'd probably talk to the partners I trusted [to not fire me just for discussing how to possibly scale back my time at work]. If a lot of women are jumping ship, then they've got to know that they need to find a way to alleviate the pressure. Be creative. Would they be better off utilizing attorneys in "shifts" rather than burning out all of their attorneys? Could you work third shift and sleep during the day, tag-teaming with another attorney (maybe even doing a job-share with another attorney)? Wake up at 4pm, pick up kids from daycare, do dinner, bedtimes, etc., then start work at 9 or 10pm? Work til the kids wake up in the mornings, get them off to school, then go to bed? If the clients are all across the globe anyway, you'd think that would be preferable for the firm and the clients. Negotiate a lower billable requirement as well? I just always wondered why, at these 24 hour firms, they didn't just have shifts, instead of associates working 100 hours a week. Maybe that wouldn't work, I've never worked in either corporate law or big law, meh. All I know is you Big Law ladies make me glad I had mediocre grades from a mediocre law school, because I sure couldn't hack it doing what y'all do, either the number of hours, or the complexity of the work. No matter what you decide to do, you're still freakin' wonderwoman!
"I'm a pretty lazy person"... you know, I think we all think this about ourselves sometimes, but sometimes when I read about what you're up to at work and at home, I think, I couldn't do that! Thanks for the pep talk.
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