I felt like a good mom today.
I've mentioned before that X has always had violent tendencies. And I'm a big proponent of showing kids what TO do, instead of just telling them not to do. So I've been training X. "No hitting," I say, making a hitting motion and shaking my head. "Be gentle," I tell him, lightly stroking his arm. "Gentle."
After weeks and weeks of this, I think he gets it. He'll start to hit, then stop his arm in midair and pat me on the arm, saying, "Shub." Weeks ago at school, when all the kids were sitting around the breakfast table, I saw him casually grab the arm of the baby next to him and open wide like he was about to chomp down on a turkey leg. Today at dropoff, he turned to the little girl next to him, raised his hand... and gently stroked her hair, telling her, "Shub."
He's not much for talking, but his behavior is improving.
Meanwhile, I'm having two issues with the other one. Any experienced parents have advice here?
First, I'm concerned that he's not getting enough sleep (about 9 hours on a typical night, from about 9:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m., no nap). It takes him a long time to settle down at night, and the moment I leave the room he's up reading a comic book. For the past few nights I've been staying in his room and making sure he's lying down with his eyes closed, but that doesn't seem like a good long-term solution. Part of the problem is that even if I get home relatively early (which for me is before 7), I have to eat dinner and then we spend some time together, so we don't start getting ready for bed until after 8. The lights are out by 8:45 and then he's asleep sometime between 9 and 10. I guess one solution is for me to come home an hour earlier, but I already get to work late after dropoff... I would have to start working part-time.
Second, he's such a drama queen about getting hurt. Today I told him he needs to toughen up, which I've been finding myself saying a lot lately. His face fell and I realized that telling him that doesn't help and just makes him feel bad. At the same time, I would like to discourage all the whining about his various wounds, bumps, and bruises. (He tends to be overly sensitive about other things too... today he was moping around and when I asked what was wrong, he burst out with, "Camryn took my acorn away at naptime!")
X sounds so hilarious and adorable! I love the "shub!" lol
ReplyDeleteWe have the EXACT bedtime schedule for Jacob. He usually plays in his room for 10 minutes or so before he falls asleep. After I tuck him in, I tell him I'm going to check on him in 5 minutes. Then he knows he can't get out of bed because I'll be coming back in and he'll be in trouble if he's not in bed. Maybe give it a shot?
Jacob is a huge baby about getting hurt as well. I usually offer to kiss his owie and then tell him admiringly how tough he is (even when he's not being tough). Then I kind of ignore his cries. It seems mean but I think it's best to make as little a deal of the owies as possible. When he really whines uncontrollably, I know he's actually tired, not hurt and threaten to make him take a nap if he doesn't stop.
Good luck!
RE: Owies. I bought a "boo boo bunny" when CF was little -- its a fuzzy bunny with a plastic ice cube that I store in the freezer. (K is older, but I know they have boo boo ice packs with Cars and other things on them).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if CF (and now Angelfish) gets a boo boo, they first have to get a kiss from boo boo bunny. If that doesn't make it better, then they come to me. The fact that, once they fall, they have to get up, run to the freezer and get the bunny seems to reduce the dramatics, so by the time they get to me, they're usually mostly over it.
9 hours may not be really enough - and I suspect the sensitivity is related actually. Would part time be on option for you?
ReplyDeleteAre you worried that 9 hours isn't enough just based on the numbers, or does he seem tired? If you think he seems tired, is there any room to give him extra sleep in the morning? Getting the morning ready the night before, etc.?
ReplyDeleteMy older daughter has never been a sleeper. Since she was an infant, 9 hours would have been a miracle. But in addition to her lower sleep needs, she ALSO has a hard time settling down. So sometimes she really doesn't get enough sleep. I often think that calmly looking at books does allow enough of a rest-state that it might be okay, or at least better than running around the house or watching television, etc.
Thanks for the advice! I will think it over.
ReplyDeleteRe: drama - It's not so much that he freaks out when he gets hurt. It's more what happens after that. He skins his knee, cries, gets a Band-Aid. Fine. Then he has to tell everybody he sees about his wound. At night when I ask him if he had a good day, he sighs heavily and looks meaningfully at his knee. The next day when it's time to walk to school, he walks reallly slowly and when I ask him to speed up, he says, "MY LEG!" He rolls up one leg of his shorts so it won't brush his knee. Day 3, he points out the scar and asks if it will EVER heal. I try to treat it matter-of-factly (and I have been on occasion telling him to toughen up) and not indulge him, but... maybe he just needs to grow out of it.
Re: sensitivity - He's been a sensitive kid pretty much since birth. And frankly, I was a very sensitive kid too. So that alone doesn't worry me, even though it's not my favorite thing that he's inherited.
Re: sleep - He doesn't really seem tired, and he doesn't nap even though they have naptime at school where he is forced to lie down and rest and some kids actually nap. I never wake him up in the morning, he always wakes up on his own. I just feel like he's going to bed too late. I'm going to really make an effort to leave work a little earlier to try to get him in bed earlier.
I'm going through the sleep thing with Pea right now. The books (and the Waldorf school) say she should be getting 12 hours. That would be great (and yes, she behaves better) if I could get her to go to sleep. We've tried ritualizing everything. We've tried letting her listen to music. We've let her fall asleep in our bed (and moved her after asleep). The last is the only thing that works reliably, but good grief, I'm not sure it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteAs for pain drama, my father's stock phrase was "suck it up" for all of us. It doesn't work. I do use "Are you bleeding?" and "Oh, do we need to amputate?" a lot. But Pea has a pretty high pain threshold.
The books may say 12 but my daughter never sleeps that long, even when it is summer and I let her sleep in. I think 10 is good for their age.
ReplyDeleteP.S. - Update a month later: We've restructured our bedtime routine and I've been trying to get home earlier, so K has been getting an extra hour of sleep. And it turns out the excessive drama was because he is genuinely allergic to mosquito bites! I mean, more than most people. We thought he was whining about something silly, but then he developed a giant blister, and a few weeks later when he got bit again, it happened again.
ReplyDelete