A neighbor told me she was about to have some time off because her work contract was up. She asked when I was going back to work. When she saw my face, she immediately said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you think about it!" "Three more weeks," I replied. "I guess it couldn't last forever. I can't complain about a six-month leave, right?" She shrugged. "Work... it is what it is."
As meaningless as that phrase usually is, somehow it made me feel better. It is what it is. We need the paycheck. It's good for me to build up my skills. The baby will be fine. I won't get to see my kids as much. I'll be stuck in an office all day. Work is something that grown-ups do.
I confessed to my mother that I was dreading going back. She said, "You can't stay at home all day. You don't learn anything. You don't do anything. You don't get out into the world. You just cook and clean and run after your kids." I countered that you can have a full life if you're a stay-at-home mom -- you can volunteer, you can get involved in your community. She replied that if you don't work, you're limited to doing the types of things that don't require specialized knowledge or skills. Things that anyone can do if they put in the time and energy. And it's not everyone who's willing to put in the time or energy, so I wouldn't discount those activities, but she's right. The volunteer activities that I've filled my time with this summer -- joining the board of a local foundation, mentoring student entrepreneurs -- are activities that I can do because of my legal skills and experience. And that's sort of how I'm looking at my work right now. As I learn more and get more experience, I'm becoming more valuable as a resource to others. I'm training myself for the future. I love advising people and being involved in my community, but no one wants your advice if you don't know anything special. When I imagine myself twenty years from now, I want to be an expert on something and to be able to contribute that expertise in some useful way. As cute as the baby is and as much as I love spending time with my kids, that alone won't get me there.
People always say how on your deathbed, you won't wish you did more work, you'll wish you spent more time with your family. But does that really mean that your non-family accomplishments ultimately have no value? Don't tell me if you were a Supreme Court justice but you never had kids, you're going to look back with regret. Or if you devoted lots of time when your kids were young to charity work, even if it often took you away from home. Or if you created a successful business with happy employees. Or if you invented something really useful. Obviously, the people you love have to be a key priority in your life. But I don't believe that in the end, nothing else matters. If everybody just tended to their own families, where would we be?
Right. One can meaningfully contribute to society by raising amazing kids . . . but one does not HAVE to do that by staying at home with them. I think it's cool that my kids will grow up watching me dress professionally in the morning, hearing me talk about my work accomplishments, and knowing that I've got this amazing skill that other people value. I was raised by a stay at home mom, and she never considered staying at home a sacrifice . . . but she also had this amazing affinity for languages, and math. I wouldn't change her or my life for anything, but I always wonder what a different life she would have had if she'd pursued a career in math or language - how it would have changed her self esteem, and ours, to watch her excel in a field outside ironing and chauffeuring us to and from activities. I don't know. And, as you said . . . . it is what it is. She did what she did, I do what I do - we love our sweeties and do our best by them, and that is what we do.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is always quoting me that line about work and death but I don't believe it. If one of the patents I write winds up being crucial or used successfully in a huge litigation, I will be thinking about that on my deathbed. And I might be thinking about how I could have obtained more awesome patents.
ReplyDeleteThe best and most logical retort to the deathbed line is that yes, people don't say they wish they worked more, but they do say "wow, i wish i could have made something of myself."
ReplyDeleteI like your last line especially. Recently some friend of a friend was trying to get all Objectivist on Facebook and claim that we have no obligation to try and make the world better, so we should all just focus on our friends and family. What a sad and pessimistic place that would be, I think.
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog, comment-free, for a while now. I found you online when I was scouring the internet looking for moms in the legal profession. I am a prospective law student and I also really want to start my family. I keep getting pressure from my own mother to postpone law school and have kids first. I was so frustrated by her arguments for being a stay at home mom, none of them seemed like they took into account my own ambitions. Your recent post articulated my feelings perfectly! Thank you for being a voice of reason. May all the ambitious working mothers (and future mothers) find the your reasonable, balanced and optimistic post.
ReplyDeleteI may need to reread this post every few weeks.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
This reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me. Let's call her "Jenna" and her three year old son "Paul." Jenna was telling Paul how much she wished she could hang out with him more in the daytime and sometimes when she was at work, she thought, "Hmm, I wonder what Paul is doing right now." Paul looked at Jenna and said, "Mostly, I just draw. But sometimes, when I'm at daycare, I think, Hmm, I wonder what Jenna is doing right now."
ReplyDeleteThis really didn't have much to do with your story but I thought it was funny because maybe kids DO think about what kind of stuff you do at work and also because he called her by her first name.
I like your logical response to the emotions. Actually going back and returning to your once-familiar routine will probably carry you from convincing yourself that you feel this way to just feeling it. At least for me, transitions like this always seem more daunting when you're on the verge of them.
ReplyDeleteI meant to respond to this way back when. This post actually started out as a pure "dreading going back to work" post and ended up like this. Clearly it resonated with my fellow lawyer moms!
ReplyDeleteLEO, I know you're right.
Chelsea, thanks for commenting! It's amazing how much our mothers' choices influence how we perceive our own, isn't it? I know that's not the point of your comment above, but I'm always struck by that when people who had SAHMs say they feel guilty about working, or need to justify their decision. My mom always worked full-time and as I implied above, I think she would be very critical of me if I decided to stay home because she'd think I would be wasting my talents and education.