I'm reading the excellent book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, which applies the principles of nonviolent communication to raising children. The central idea is that both parents and children have the same basic needs, including autonomy, respect, love, play, and health, and that parents and children should mutually respect each other, listen for the basic needs behind the requests and statements we make, and work together to meet each other's needs. We should avoid blaming, calling names, making demands, and issuing ultimatums -- even though these are accepted parenting techniques, when we use them we set a bad example and make our kids less likely to cooperate in the long term.
The book discusses the "Seven Keys to Cooperation" in detail. The first is "parenting with purpose", meaning that you should clarify your purpose in raising your children before figuring out what actions to take. At first I thought, doesn't everyone have the same purpose in raising their kids? But one of the exercises challenges you to list seven qualities that you most want to see in your children when they become adults. Thinking about this, I realized that most parents would have at least slightly different lists. Here is mine:
1. Compassion, for themselves and for others.
2. Integrity: an internal drive to do what they feel is good, right, and just.
3. Open-mindedness: willingness and desire to consider all points of view, to learn from unfamiliar people, places, and ideas, and to change their minds.
4. Critical thinking: thinking deeply, questioning, and analyzing issues.
5. Confidence: feeling secure that they are loved, worthy, and can work to accomplish their goals.
6. Generosity: willingness to give of themselves, to friends, family, strangers, and causes, within appropriate boundaries.
7. Silliness: not taking themselves too seriously and making room for a little whimsy in their lives.
What's your list?
Update:
Here's a list from The Reluctant Grownup.
On the next page, the book asks you how you can demonstrate these qualities to set an example for your kids. As I reflected on this, it struck me that these are all qualities that I have and value about myself. Many that I considered but that didn't quite make the list of seven -- including creativity, humor, and a sense of adventure -- are qualities that I wish I had more of and would love my kids to have, but that I guess I don't consider essential. (After all, how can they be essential if I don't have them?) So this is really a list of the best of me that I'd like to pass on to my kids, and I would guess that's true for most people.
Very insightful. My aunt (who leads seminars and stuff) does an exercise called "standards of integrity" where you write down people you admire, family or famous people, on the left, and the qualities you admire on the right. You put a check mark when you repeat a quality. You end up with 5-10 words with a lot of check marks by them. Then you re-write them. At the top you say "These are my standards of integrity," then put the list, then write, "I know they are mine because I see them in others." Then she has everyone stand and read their list, and as they do, it becomes clear everyone is listing their own best qualities. It's a really neat, positive experience, although apparently you're self-actualized enough to figure out the point on your own :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great exercise.
ReplyDeleteWhen the newness of X wears off, I'm changing my tagline to "Magic Cookie: Self-actualized since 2011." :)