The first few months after X was born, I was so relieved and happy to be home. I was filled with anxiety over my eventual return to work. All the late nights, the billable hours, the stress. I have no idea how I'm going to make it work with two little kids at home, especially as I get more senior and the expectations ramp up.
Two things have recently made me realize my perspective on work has changed after being out for a while. First, we learned that we didn't have daycare lined up until mid-October. I asked the daycare to let us know if a spot opened up earlier and added, "Even if it's sooner than we wanted, let us know -- I'll just go back to work earlier." I feel more ready to go back now. I'm comfortable leaving X with someone else at this age, and I feel like I should be contributing to the household budget again.
Second, I pulled out my lawyering skills at a meeting of the foundation I joined recently. The day before, I spent a few hours going through all the documents I had, putting together a brief memo of my thoughts, and emailing it out to the committee. At the meeting, everyone had a copy of my email in front of them and referred to it throughout to frame the discussion. Even though I was new to the group and to the issue, I felt prepared and was able to contribute to the discussion, make some points I thought were important, and clarify our action items. I wouldn't have been able to do this a few years ago. I feel I've developed into a good lawyer. I can pick up a new issue, study it, analyze it, and make a reasoned recommendation. Posts like leo's and But I do have a law degree's summarize some of the things I hate about biglaw and confirm that it's unlikely to be a long-term career choice for me. But I've gotten excellent training, done interesting work, and worked with really smart and good people over the last few years. I've never dreaded going to work in the morning. I genuinely like my job, and if it weren't for the billable hours I might never want to leave.
I'm still loving maternity leave, and I still think going back will be difficult, but I'm getting closer to being ready each day. I hope I can return to work without losing this perspective -- that I can enjoy the good parts, do my best, and let the stress and anxiety go a little.
Oh no, I don't mean to discourage you! A law firm didn't work for me, but that absolutely doesn't mean you can't make it work. There are many women that do - so much depends on the nature of your work, the people you work with, and your personality type. In so many ways I was my own worst enemy- I just couldn't say no to assignments that I knew would require more hours than I wanted to give. Go in with a positive attitude, be assertive, and you never know - you could end up making partner and paving the way for other women. :) Good luck!
ReplyDelete"getting closer to being ready each day" is pretty good I think, especially still a few months out of your expected return date. Anytime you have been away from a routine for a while, it can be daunting to return to it, but I'm sure it will all work out great. And really, if at some point you realize it's just not working for you anymore, you will have options. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
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